I am tired. Today, I’m tired. Nothing seems good, and everything is hard, after several long weeks of everything seeming hard.
I read a post by a writer this morning which observed that their difficulties writing might stem from the inability to be vulnerable … that releasing the numbness to feel emotion while writing, and then risk something happening while they were ‘gone’, is something they may not be prepared for. I don’t know if that’s the case for me, I’d have to sit in it more; it feels more like emotional congestion than numbness.
This morning I also read Kris’s new blog. Aside from appreciation for ‘rage donating’, which I wish I had money to indulge in, that post reminded me that, a few days ago, I was contemplating the idea of putting down everything written except Broadsides. That’s about 30-40 thousand words every 8-10 weeks, on a single project. Usually I write whatever comes to mind, often multiple stories at once, switching them out as needed so I can write 6 days a week, because usually that word count across that span of time just isn’t enough.
Now, though …
Still seems like pittance. Pathetic, provides my brain weasels.
But stronger than that, when I think about only paying mind to one project, one story at a time, not having to drag myself to my chair and try to be creative — I feel relief.
I had grand hopes at the start of this year. I suppose after a fashion I still do. My initial plans for 1 million words is a distant mirage. 8 new releases too. 4 newly released in a year won’t be bad, though, and it was my minimum goal. The grandness remaining comes in the fact that I’m still going. Slowly, barely it seems like — 40 thousand words in 10 weeks! — but going. And learning.
This year was always going to be about the learning.
Sometimes that means learning what to scale back, and when to put down.
So I’m tired. For October, at least, the only written project on my plate will be Broadsides. I’ll deal with November’s writing when November comes.
Aurichalcum Publishing 