I think promises are important. I think also that we place too much weight on them as a shorthand. ‘Promise’ is a really big word, but like the word ‘literally’ it has come to be used more as emphasis than intent (and in my opinion with more damaging results). The speaker wants to exhibit passion: the listener hears commitment. Whether the promise is made to self or to someone else, every time it’s witnessed being broken, you do a little damage to your reputation; and promises can be made without ever actually saying the word ‘promise’.
Personally, I reserve promises for times when I want the promise itself to motivate me. Promises become conflicts when they’re made out of obligation, in competition with someone’s actual desire. I try not to promise anything to which I know I can’t guarantee commitment (or which I have not yet assessed as being able to guarantee commitment: there’s a difference between promising something I genuinely think I can do, and promising something I actually haven’t considered yet).
And sometimes, despite all good intentions and all best efforts, promises do get broken, because people are flawed and sometimes shit just happens.
This is all relevant because I had to break a promise this month. I made it a year ago, in perfectly good faith, before the pandemic. The pandemic made me incapable of fulfilling that promise. And it sucks. It sucks because there is always that part of me that thinks ‘if you just tried a little harder you could have done it’.
The thing is, sometimes that’s not true. It might feel true, but that doesn’t mean it is true, and feeling like that is a matter of shame, which is an emotion weaponised only to make us feel bad.
I dislike breaking promises. I place enough value on them not to make them lightly, or try not to. But promises can also be chains and cudgels, and I try not to do that to myself either. What I did do was acknowledge the things that wouldn’t be done — not as early as I wanted, but early enough to assuage the betrayal, I hope — and then I let myself off the hook.
Next time I’ll try to do better. What ‘better’ looks like will change based on the nature of the promise, how far ahead it’s made. Estimates may be wiser; a shorter time-frame may be more inspiring. A promise is an opportunity to discover your limits.
Promises are important: but only if they’re valued as something to galvanise, not to threaten; as inspiration, not as shame. Think about the promises you make, and whether you’re capable of meeting them: and if made in good faith, but turn out to be impossible, forgive yourself for being human, and remember the lesson for next time.
Aurichalcum Publishing 