This is the third in a series relating to how writing sex in fiction is beneficial to you as a writer. The previous post can be found here.
The last two topics were about a writer’s personal attitude — first in unlearning shame which would make using words difficult, and the second in learning to love indulgence. This third one is similar: it’s about getting comfortable with research, which is very much an attitude as well as a learned skill.
Research is often where a good writer spends the majority of their time. It’s very easy to get lost in the weeds (and sometimes incredibly fun), but that isn’t necessarily helpful to your writing. And that’s assuming a writer knows they need to research.
Most people are aware whether or not they’ve had sex, either with another person or with themselves, and therefore are generally aware of the areas in which they lack experience thanks to the physiology they have (and the physiology they don’t). As an immediate experience, ‘what do I know about sex’ is easy to define, assuming even a modicum of self-awareness.
The benefit of researching sex is that it’s a huge topic with a lot of discrete subjects in it. Do they interrelate? Oh my, yes. But generally speaking it’s easier to parcel one sex act away from another sex act and research that, and stop when you’re getting off topic, than it is to go looking for, say, an ancient language appropriate for magical wards and then get lost in the weeds of history and linguistics because you don’t know whether you might find what you need just tangentially in a given page.
Moreover, there’s a great wealth of information about sex, so a writer isn’t likely to be lost for a lack of resources. They might still get lost in the wealth of information: but that’s where learning how to look only for what you need and then closing the tab comes in.
So, ‘what do I know about sex’ is a good lead-in. However, an even better question is ‘what do I know about how sex feels’, because it turns the subject descriptive instead of informational: if a writer has never had sex and doesn’t know how it feels, then they at least know where to begin.
This is an important framing in particular for any kind of research, because a lot of writing is about how a thing feels. Small things create depth: how does the breeze feel, how does this conversation feel, how does it feel to be hurt or to be comforted.
A writer deals in feelings, in the context of sensations as well as emotions. Sex is about feelings in most kinds of applicable contexts. Writing a good sex scene isn’t enough to simply research the physical acts of it, but how it feels to the individual.
Individuals are all unique. A man will have a different sensory experience than a woman. Someone whose gender doesn’t match their genitals will have a different emotional experience than someone who doesn’t have that dissonance. Someone whose body is partially immobile will have a different physical experience to someone who is fully mobile.
A writer who is not aware how a given experience feels has to research it, by figuring out who might have that experience and looking for stories, anecdotes and information told by them. Because physical pleasure is a sensation capable of being shared by most people, sex as a topic provides a unifying way of thinking about people not like you, and doing so from their perspective.
(Writing about the pleasure of someone not like you from your perspective is called a fetish. It has its place, and is also very easily misused. Learning the difference between that and genuinely writing about a given individual is extremely important if you’re not looking to artificially exclude a given subset of your audience.)
When a writer is researching, they need to know whether or not they’re just looking up data, or understanding a sensation. They’re different kinds of research, for different purposes. The topic of sex provides an opportunity to learn both while also being a gateway to think about the broadness of human experience, and therefore the potential diversity of your characters.