On measuring worth

When I was younger — late teens, early twenties — I was an active member of a fandom forum, solely in the fanfiction section. I was also doing a Writing/Editing degree at the time, but looking back, it was the forum that taught me more about writing than the degree ever did. (The degree was useful for editing, which wasn’t even its major component, but all I remember about the writing aspect is the forced-class-critique. No, I still don’t go for writing groups.)

This might have been a bad combination. Writing degrees tend to be less about writing and more about critical analysis thereof (Kris Rusch writes about this sometimes on her blog, though unfortunately I don’t have a link to the specific article). Everyone on the forum meant well and were, on the whole, kind if not gentle, but when I look back mostly I think about how mean I was. I was the nitpicky person who saw everything. I wasn’t the only one — there were a fair few of us who were good at that, and friends — but I had the degree to justify it, and I sincerely thought I was doing the right thing.

Many years later I wince. Reviewing on a fanfiction forum often came down to showing off and being right. I was trying to help, yes — in the best way I could — the way I’d been taught — but I’m not all that proud of my behaviour there.

That was about fifteen years ago.

This week I had occasion to go to an old email address and discovered someone had, in July, sent me a private message on that forum.

It was someone who’d read my stories back then.

Sometime who had joined the forum specifically to comment on them.

Someone who kindled a love of writing, if not a passion — enough to be an important part of their lives.

Someone who, in joining forum culture, had found lifelong friends, an interest in coding, and a career.

Someone who credited me with all of that. Me, and my writing, and an unfinished piece of fanwork.

Thank you, that someone said; and, I’ve been trying to find you for years to tell you this; and, I hope you’ll find this.

I don’t feel worthy, said I, plaintively, to my friends.

Isn’t it interesting, mused my coauthor, how you used the same word we use these days specifically in a monetary sense.

Well.

Generally speaking, I like the word ‘worth’. I might have to do a word spotlight on it sometime. But that pulled me up short, because oh how right: because, in some perverse sense, the gratitude hurt for exactly the reason that I don’t currently have a real income, and haven’t managed yet to achieve it with writing. As a failing, this is a patently false one, since it takes years of consistent effort to get there and I’m still in the beginning of my publishing journey.

In an era when worth is monetary, when time well-spent involves hours on end, when the door must be answered when opportunities knock —

I’m not lacking in self-confidence. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. That doesn’t mean something deeply ingrained can’t still rear its ugly head, when the narrative has been repeated often enough.

And gratitude, earnestly given, can cut a person raw. When all the world is deriding, honest praise is like sunlight after a dark room. You want it and it’s good, but for the first few minutes, it hurts.

It’s difficult, being seen. More difficult still, when I look back at that time and regret my behaviour, however valuable the period was for me in developing my writing skills.

This person isn’t the first one to say that I’ve changed their life with my writing — but they might just be the first whose life I changed. Back when I barely knew what I was doing; back well before I was developing a solid voice. Back when I thought criticism meant improvement, and a detailed, dot-pointed list of errors showed that I was helping. Somehow, despite all that, I still managed to touch another person just that deeply.

Monetarily, writing isn’t doing much for me yet. It’s my intention that it will, just enough to keep itself going; but that’s an outcome I can’t and won’t expect to occur quickly, just as the result of persistence and the stubbornness not to give it up.

But in terms of anything, everything else —

Writing’s worth is immeasurable, and if this is how I put more into the world, then damn straight I’m not going to stop.

Word spotlight: Discipline

Gotta admit, I’m disappointed. I was looking forward to today’s post because I had lots of thoughts on it, only to discover that the etymology I’d been using for my chosen word was … not exactly wrong, but sure missing a whole lot of nuance, which means the topic is going to be completely different.

And I really liked that take, too.

But it’s not totally wrong, so let’s crack on.

Today’s word is ‘discipline’. I, personally, like that word, in no small part because of that misunderstanding. See, I’d read somewhere that the Latin root was ‘learning’ — which is true! But where I’d read that (we’re talking some years ago now, when I wasn’t nearly so good at checking my sources) also neglected to mention the rest of the history.

Why did that excite me? Well, primarily because ‘learning’ is something the subject does, not something done to the subject. I really enjoyed the perspective that a word used in primarily punitive ways was, in fact, something that refused actions done to.

The part that aforementioned and long-forgotten source didn’t mention?

Forget about the long, long history (more than 800 years of it, in fact) of punitive use (from Old French). The original Latin also included ‘instruction given’ and ‘teaching’, which kiiiiiind of undercuts my use of it. A lot.

Like I said, disappointing.

That being said, there’s a few things I’m getting out of this reorientation.

In the first place, the original original Latin root was ‘pupil, student, follower’. Nothing about being a teacher in there at all. It only later developed the instructive part. So, at the root source my initial take had some degree of merit; but on the whole I find that intersection interesting because of how it bundles learning and teaching, and the reminder that they often are one and the same. There’s a lot of people who teach specifically to learn more — from their students as well as their peers. I enjoy that marriage, honestly. It’s cyclic, and it’s humble.

In the second place, that Old French root? It meant ‘physical punishment’, but it also meant just plain ‘suffering’ and ‘martyrdom’. That’s right, martyrdom. Now that’s an evocative word. How often have you heard about artists suffering for the craft, et cetera and so on?

I don’t subscribe to needless suffering. Sometimes things are hard, yes, but that’s far from the same thing. Looking at the etymological history of this word is like looking at a trainwreck of a traditional angsty hero — everything is about punishment and angst and suffering and sacrifice andandand

Which is something to which I also don’t subscribe.

The level of pain evoked in the history of this word is depressing, and the tacit association with learning being suffering or martyrdom is very nearly farcical, if it wasn’t so terrifying. Not only that, but the procession of changes progressively remove power from the subject.

Is learning hard? Yes. But it shouldn’t be punitive, even though it’s frequently made to be — which is a real shame. And, more to the point, no one learns unless they want to. The best a good teacher can do is show someone how to want to, and then show them the way. Enforced learning is a contradiction in terms — it cannot happen. All that’s learned is fear, resistance, and bitterness.

The original point to this post was going to be a musing on the act of self-discipline. On self-learning. On a dialogue between me, myself and I, and the power to choose how and when I restrain myself, because when all things are equal, one’s self is all that one truly has control over.

Instead I discovered a more-than-800-year-old history of attempts to beat the self-awareness out of people.

And I still refuse to subscribe to it.

So, when I use the world ‘discipline’, it’ll be in the original (original original) sense of the word: the one which retains a sense of wonder and glorious ignorance, the cyclic nature of giving and taking, and most of all the capability to enforce oneself instead of accepting the punishment of others.

Book release: Blood & Nerve

I’m not talking about words or research this week. This week marks release #3 for the year. Broadsides Book 3, Blood & Nerve, is now available on Amazon at the sale price of $2.99USD. To celebrate the release, Books 1 and 2, Voice & Vein and Sunlight & Bone, have been discounted to $0.99USD.

Anyone who’s been following me closely will note that this is actually missing a book. My previous two releases included a new book for Base Seven too. It turns out that production schedule was too fast to sustainably keep. I don’t regret doing it, even though I knew it probably would be; but I’m not nearly known enough for backtracking to have a major impact yet, so I thought it was better to reach far to find my limits than hold back.

Base Seven is still in production. This just means that it’s not going to be every quarter, though I am hoping for the next. Next quarter is going to be interesting in the Chinese-proverb sense of the word, since I’ve been going for long enough now to start running into the mental stages of denial. You know, the ones that erupt when you’ve worked on a new habit long enough that your brain goes ‘wait, you mean you were serious?’

Well, I say ‘start’. I suspect I’ve been in the middle of them for a couple of months now, and it’s slowed things down considerably.

As it turns out, scheduling is hard, and working to a production schedule is even harder. Even more so when I’m not totally sure where my limits really lie. This release is a week later than I actually wanted, and I needed every bit of it.

Last blog post I talked about dissonance between what I think I’m capable of and what I’m actually capable of. I’m finding more and more that time isn’t as much of a factor as energy and the ability to overcome inertia, and I have just enough mild but chronic physical conditions to make it hard to tell the difference between a genuine need to rest and my brain being sulky about getting exercise.

I’ve read that a consistent schedule is an unbreakable rule. That scares me a bit, because it sets the stakes high from the off, in a ‘one mistake and you’re toast’ kind of way. I’ve never liked those kinds of ultimatums. And the pressure rarely actually helps.

I’m still aiming for a mid-November release to match the rest, at least for now, and keeping an eye on anything I might need to switch up. There’s some things I can account for right now, and am. Some of those involve restrictions where I might previously have disdained them. For instance, books in a series seem to get longer as the series goes on, and I’m no exception. Schedule-wise, books getting longer tends to mean they take time away from writing the next — so now my co-author and I get to practice writing to a limit, and still tell a whole story. I’m actually kind of excited about this; it’s a new skill for me, and the learning of it will help my future self. Win-win, right there.

But for right now, I’ve hit my third release of the year, and Blood & Nerve makes the fifth book released. That’s a long way from where I was at the start of the year.

By this time next year I hope to look back and have it seem tiny. I’m looking forward to it.

On limits and the ideal self

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about capabilities. This is partly due to my having let some habits lapse, and trying to make new ones, and struggling with both. And last week Kris Rusch did this post on courage which struck me, but not in a good way (though that isn’t on Kris). And then, this morning, my co-author and I were discussing our schedule and the next book, and our plans for that.

This week has been overwhelming for me. It’s been one of those weeks where everything seems to spiral, despite your best efforts to keep yourself healthy. I’m dissatisfied with what I’ve done, but I don’t know how I could have made any better choices with what I had at the time. And I don’t know what caused the spiral to begin with.

So I’ve been thinking. My brain works fast. And that makes me want to work fast. Well, that and the societal conditioning to gogogo. I find it hard not to rush through one thing to get to the next, or to a time when things are done and I have no obligations remaining. And even when I’ve completed something to satisfaction, there’s often another voice saying ‘now you’ve finished that and you’re on a roll, you can do this too’.

I’m sure you can see that’s a fast path to burnout. And that’s why Kris’s blog hit me. I don’t want to be That Person who makes excuses for not doing something. In my brain, if I’m capable of something, there’s no excuse for not doing it.

I was a gifted kid in school. Luckily we also had a couple of more gifted kids, so I didn’t get all the pressure — but I got enough of the ‘Don’t waste your potential’ spiels. Don’t let go of opportunities. Don’t give up. You can do anything. Never waste an opportunity. Don’t limit yourself.

Hell, I’ve said that to my friends before. Don’t limit yourself. Enlarge your future. Allow for more opportunities.

And then there’s the news. The bright sparks, the spunky start-ups. The people who develop their skills and win. The constant narrative of if you just try hard enough for long enough. Take every opportunity, just in case.

Why do so few people talk about the opportunities they declined?

When I think about the books and articles I’ve read on productivity, I don’t recall seeing a lot that talk about limitations. There have been quite a few I’ve seen on ‘saying no’. Most of those are about saying no to other people — making time, by being picky about what you spend time on. Taking back control of your time, by being choosy about giving control of it to others. But overwhelmingly, advice on production, business and success focuses on goals and achievements. Who you want your ideal self to be. What you can do. Not what you can’t.

And that’s the problem. I am capable of an awful lot. The thing is that my ideal self — the person in my head — doesn’t match up with who I actually am.

That’s not a flaw. It just is. After years of being told I can do anything I put my mind to — I can — and be anything I want to be — damn straight — and being complimented on my talents — my brain thinks I’m capable of more than my squishy human body actually is.

So when I hear a clarion call to ‘rise to this or that occasion’, I feel obligated to do so. Because I am capable of it … on a purely technical level. And I can translate that into reality. If I wanted.

If I expended the time.

If I expended the energy.

If I give up something else. This is the part my brain forgets: the something else that will suffer for it. And it won’t have been a result of anyone controlling my time but myself.

It’s been hard for me to learn that what is potential doesn’t have to be what is possible. Not because I don’t understand the concept — but because there’s a part of me, when issued a challenge, that says ‘right, fire ‘er up, let’s do it’. Maybe it’s even a kind of FOMO, that if I let this one slip through my fingers, everything will go up in smoke. I’m sure there’s a lot of people under 40 who can sympathise with that fear.

But I don’t have that time. I don’t have that brainload. Things that I can process in my head, very quickly, take a lot more time in reality. And if I invest that time, I won’t have time for something else. This is the dissonance my brain cannot reconcile; this is the bridge I struggle to build, between my ideal self and who I am right now.

Who has the time to meet every single challenge?

Not all challenges need be met. Not all opportunities need to be taken. Capability isn’t always obligation; potential is only wasted if it was wanted to begin with.

Finding, identifying, laying limitations is important, because if they don’t match the image of the person you want to be, then you’re going to fall short of the path to get there — until you can discover the place you meet yourself.

Find your limitations. It’s the only time you can then choose whether, or not, to surpass them. And if you determine that you can, it isn’t necessarily a sign that you should.

Research roundup #6

This week, some additional subjects googled specifically for editing purposes! And some others that weren’t. See if you can tell the difference.

Firstly, let’s start with a list of things I couldn’t remember. Such as the draw-y bit that’s inside a pencil. Or exactly when I should use a hyphen. Whether there’s a notable difference between apartment and flat. And what, exactly, is the point of a nightcap (the hat, not the drink). And on the pure interest front, it turns out jumping spiders can see moons.

On a more serious front, I had a good — well, a low-down search on the human variations in genetics, including learning the difference between genetics and genomics, which I didn’t even know.

I had a far more targeted romp through neighbourhoods in London, for Reasons, which led to some somewhat hilarious name-related results — for someone who doesn’t live in England, at least.

There was also a sidle through some community-related details, though not all of the same community … and maybe using the word ‘community’ loosely.

And, finally, ending on ‘this week’s most hilarious typos’, just for you: ‘Carefully he folds the invoice to put it in his waistboat pocket’. That’s quite a trick, there.

Research roundup #5

Feeling pretty crappy today, so bear with me while I give an abbreviated research roundup. A lot of the past couple of weeks were on the same subject while I cast a wide net and then narrowed down until I found what I was looking for. That means that not all of the links I found I actually looked at in great detail — when I’m not sure how to find what I want, I tend to go wide then go deep, and really only focus on the pages that seem most likely to give me answers.

The biggest and best example was trying to figure out whether two badly injured patients could be transported in the same ambulance … in the UK. (Turns out, no, but they can in the US, because the ambulances are built differently.) Some tangential interesting stuff on attending to spinal injuries, too. Turns out the neck braces aren’t all that.

I also had to go looking for confirmation as to how fibre relates to sleep, for Reasons owing to a doctor’s remark I wanted to make sure was accurate. (In its original state, it wasn’t.)

Then there was a medley of trying to make sure words were spelled correctly (for the appropriate region or simply in the desired language), brought about mostly because of the limited dictionary my word processor has. And, of course, a semi-regular foray into my etymology dictionary, because trying to figure out era-appropriate word-use via etymology is honestly one of my favourite things. With the addition of looking up the word ‘brand‘ for last week’s blog post.

There was also some poking around alchemy symbols for referencing. Turns out most sites have the same information after a point, on that one.

That’s it for this week. More next time, since ongoing edits means there a few additions I’m not adding to today’s post. Stay safe and have fun.

Word spotlight: Brand

Today’s word is one I think about a lot. It’s a ubiquitous word, so common in business parlance that it’s become common in everyday parlance as well. Who doesn’t know the link between brand and marketing? For someone going into a business, any business, branding is vitally important. Branding is how a business can quickly package any given item for patrons to quickly identify as serving their needs.

This goes for writers, too. Branding books according to genre is how readers tell they want to buy my book. It’s an art I’m still in the process of learning as relating to my industry.

The reason I think about it a lot is because of the way modern society espouses its use on people.

Who, new from education, hasn’t been told how to brand themselves for today’s job market? Who hasn’t heard of its partner, the ‘elevator pitch’, in which we declare ourselves worth someone’s time in short and pithy sentences?

I’m not going to argue that branding, in itself, isn’t a necessary and vital function of running a business. The part I object to is that we’ve moved from using it as easy-access packaging to branding people as commodities.

Etymology Online identifies the use of ‘brand’ as an identifier for general goods to the 1800s. It lists the word as ‘mark made by hot iron’ from the 1500s. And it lists the verb involving burning marks and stigmatisation as being from circa 1400s.

Language can change and evolve a lot even in a short amount of time. The thing is that ‘brand’ hasn’t evolved all that much. Throughout its history its meanings have revolved around immutable possession of an object.

‘Personal branding’ doesn’t step away from that. At all. If anything, it’s the opposite. A brand is associated with an indelible mark — something with which a given object will be forever be associated. ‘Branding’ one’s self turns someone from a person into a thing — a commodity to be sold. It removes personhood. It denies autonomy.

A fast way to determine whether a commodity is right for any given individual is a necessary and valuable thing. But where people are concerned, we already have a word for that: it’s called reputation. Reputation is built upon our choices, our reactions, and the ways in which we resolve difficulties. Someone’s reputation reveals their values, and whether they align with ours. And when they make choices in a way contrary to their reputation, we feel betrayed. Just like branding.

The difference is that because reputation depends on our choices and our actions, it empowers instead of lessens. Reputation is defined by personal choice and will: it can’t belong to a commodity. It’s a characteristic of personhood.

So when I see blogs espousing the value of ‘personal branding’, when I’m told (in workplace training, in well-meaning advice, in business books) that I need to think about my brand and what it means — I cringe.

And then I walk, very fast, in the other direction. And I make choices which take me away from it. I know, as an indie writer, that I could just publish works under my own name and be done with it; let Amazon and B&N and whoever else deal with the complicated metadata. The choice to create Aurichalcum Publishing was a choice to separate the person from the commodity. Now, when I licence books, there’s distance between me and it. And I can work on both my reputation, as a writer, and Auri’s branding, as a business, as I go. As separate items.

I understand why the alternative seems frightening. Reputation takes time — a lot of time. There’s no fast and easy response to creating it; only the consistent fulfilment of values. Branding, and its elevator pitch partner, are quick and easy … and dehumanising.

I question the wisdom of putting speed over humanity. Even in so simple a way as the application of a common and innocuous word to a person.

Research roundup #4

Time for another research roundup — but do check the note at the end, if you’re an aspiring author.

Most of the links this week were very definitely part of a Theme, or at least two themes which happened to relate internally. There was one noteworthy outlier of Greek fire, mostly for a separate thought which needed a metaphor which led me to the concept of fire burning on water, whose name I couldn’t be completely sure I remembered, so I looked it up.

I also went for a good long spiel starting with Runes, took a detour into Ogham (whose name I couldn’t initially remember), and then went on to ancient Greek languages, Runes in Greece, and some surrounding history of the time. Yes, the Greek fire was indeed unrelated, promise.

There was also a brief ramble through Duck Duck Go for what kinds of gear UK police officers had, searching specifically for whether any of it relates to electrical conduction (or protection). The sheer lack of anything indicated led me to ‘not likely’ — that, or I just didn’t have the knowledge to do a correct search (most of these sites I skimmed for keywords, so this is entirely possible). Either way, ‘nope’ was the answer I thought I’d get; but I’ve been surprised before, so I tend to check. Just in case.

On the less thematic side of things, I did a brief idle search for Ireland and moorlands, and the combination thereof, and had a burning need to remember the bones in the human skeletal arm, for perhaps obvious reasons.

All up, a fairly easy mosey through research hell, though at the time it certainly didn’t feel like it, since the bulk of this was a hurried and blurry chase in the middle of frantic writing. Sometimes it works better for me; sometimes it just does not.

That’s all I’ve got this time. This week was mind-munching, since I had some training I wanted to get done which got in the way of writing much in combination with a major distraction, a good deal of which I’m regretting now but obviously can’t do much about. I did get the training done — most of it — so hopefully next week will be a little easier.

My final note: check out these blogs by Kris Rusch and Dean Wesley Smith regarding Kickstarter and indie publishing. I’ve never eyeballed Kickstarter before now as too complicated for my early stage of career, but I’ve signed up for WGM’s free course and it might be worthwhile for others too. (Check out the rest of their blogs in general, also; Kris has some good knowledge on the current state of publishing and the importance of online publishing in particular which adds context to the Kickstarter stuff.)

That’s it. Tally-ho!

Research roundup #3

Today is another research roundup. A week after the last, so the list isn’t too long and thus this post won’t be either. Today is a day wherein success is measured by ‘I got done everything on my list, even if some of the list was small or fewer than I planned yesterday’, and blogging is still a measure of showing up each week, so I choose to count it.

The last week, as it turns out, was apparently a study in language. I made use of the etymologyoneline dictionary, searching for ‘romance’, and cross-referencing with Romany (and the people) which led me to Roman and tangentially Romish. It turns out, they don’t come from the same place at all.

I know there’s a word for that, but I couldn’t remember it (and still can’t, more’s the pity). But, at the time, I did look. Which led me to various pages searching. With a tangent whose path I no longer remember on the sometimes-accidental politics which arises from such similarities.

I also went for a frolic through flower language. I was almost certainly searching for something, for Reasons.

And a brief spellcheck to make sure I had the right word, because even writers need those (or perhaps especially writers need those). It turns out, my brain was still able to recognise that ‘angelisation’ is not the word I was looking for.

And that’s it for this week. Not exactly a romp, nor a trip through the circles of research hell. ‘Frolic’ remains the descriptive word for today’s roundup, I think.

Research roundup #2

It is Friday, and that means blog. It has been a month since my first research roundup, and that means I’m long overdue for the second. Since there’s quite a number of links, I’m putting them under headings. Enjoy today’s research journey.

On the subject of New York

The Rikers Island wiki page I might just have to favourite somewhere, because I went there at least three times this month. On the plus side, I also branched out into other famous places, like Bellevue and its history slash myths. Honestly that research was a little disappointing, mostly because the reality wasn’t what I wanted it to be for my purposes, but I suppose you can’t win them all.

Also did some revisiting of NYC’s sewers and water pipes. Somehow it always comes down to the plumbing with me, though at least one of those wasn’t what I was looking for. And there was this mosey around looking for unique NYC traits, for … Reasons.

Oh, yeah, and some random page I found which gives me some idea of NYC speech quirks; but also, I’ve gotta ask: What’s with this ‘grocery with a sh sound’ business?!

Names, titles and thematic appropriateness

This is by far the largest category this month, which is a little surprising — I thought NYC might beat it out, but then I needed to have a mosey through for character names. This one is sort-of split into two sections; there’s the looking at random names to see which fits a given character (or group of characters), and then there’s the researching around titles, themes or otherwise trying to find a specific kind of name for a specific character.

On the subject of the former, I went to my trusty name randomiser (twice in this span of time, actually), and ran through both forms of Vera, Isaiah, Gunne, Oscar, and Alexander. Also the surname Mould, for reasons I cannot now remember but probably has to do with disbelief (fun fact, the surname Mould did not originate where you probably think it did!) Some of those names probably didn’t come so much from the randomiser as the need to revisit meanings.

On the subject of the latter, I had a couple of idle title meanderings (trying to figure out whether I needed or wanted a character to be a legal-eagle and thus what titles some might have, which admittedly got a bit off-topic).

More importantly, I was pursuing some thematic/meaning paths relating to Vijaya, for … Reasons. But it involved his name, his namesake’s name, and revisiting his surname. There’s also another character who needed something appropriate, which led down a rabbit-hole of name histories … starting with New York, New York, New York again, and then several important locations in New York and their Dutch roots. (Just trying to figure out whether ‘Dutch’ was the right word to use took me from Amsterdam, because I couldn’t remember the correct name of the country, to the Netherlands, which didn’t give me a demonym that sounded right, to the Dutch people, which also didn’t sound right, to the Danish language, which kind of maybe sounded right?

At which point I gave up, googled ‘Danish vs Dutch’, and finally got my answer (which showed my instinctive reaction was utterly wrong, may one of my besties forgive me).

History and culture, oh my

Heading on this one is a bit wibbly, mostly because it’s a short one but all of the links are too specific to plonk in Miscellaneous. And I was, indeed, looking for specific things.

For instance, if one wants to make a character a medically-discharged veteran, one should make sure there were era-appropriate wars going on in which they can be injured (coming from a previous, unpublished story where I had some veterans … during a period where there were no wars their country participated in. Oops.)

And then there’s that thematic value again, this time with regards to … Reasons. Also chapter titles.

Intrepid miscellany

And then there’s the subheading where nothing really fits into its own category beyond ‘random shit I had to look up for one reason or another’. Say, if one of your characters is a cook. Or you’re contemplating food-related logistics. Or someone’s favourite song is relevant to the chapter at hand (and can do double-time as a chapter title).

And that is that for today. I wonder how many circles of research hell I must’ve clocked this month?